10 Questions with Jflex
November 6th 2003: Interview #3
1. How many mirrors do you have in your house?
Inspired both by my love of my physical aesthetic and Radiohead, I live in a house made entire of mirrors. You would never know it from the outside, but walk in and you're confronted with 360 degree views of your fly self, echoing around the world like a beautiful song. One interesting consequence of living in such an environment is that I don't bathe or cook. Some coding mumbo jumbo about how a "bath made out of mirrors will leak" and a "stove made out of mirrors will explode" or whatever.
I also tried attaching mirrors to my cat, which worked rather well until he broke one of them. I'd be damned if I was going to live with that 7-year-cursed cat, so let's just say my response was 'knives out.' Hey, free dinner.
2. What's the most expensive mirror in your house?
Undeniably the blowup doll mirror. It's a bit inaccurate to say she's fabricated from glass, which a mirror is, because she actually doesn't have a shard of glass on her supple skin. Instead, she has a sheathing over her soft innards that is comprised of mercury resting between two sheets of clear silicone. The result is a reflective female form who moves with the elegance of a supermodel, allowing me to stare at
my own beautiful body as I pound away with the vehemence of a Howser cannon.
3. Do you think men can be motivated in their line of work if it involves trying to impress some girls?
I don't think men can be motivated in their line of work if they aren't trying to impress girls (or other men, as the case may be). Is it not just a continuation of the peacock's displaying a plume of feathers when a man flaunts his successes at work?
He drives his BMW out of his law firm's office and takes his date to an expensive dinner. Even if he's married, he can't ignore the extended gazes betraying desired trysts from lower level female coworkers, as they image being swept away to a remote Tahitian island by this alpha male. Indeed, it is the goal of every male to be the object of desire of all the women around him, and yes, this applies to married men. One of the most common and effective means of achieving
this is through success in the work place.
4. Pepsi of coke?
Noticing the former is capitalized and the latter is not, my politically savvy mind sees a potential trap from this shark reporter. I stand at the podium at my press conference and say the following:
Ladies and gentlemen of the press, good evening. I stand before you as President-elect Flex, and wish to address the questions about my use of both the popular soft drink, Pepsi, and the illicit substance, coke, publicly.
As many of you among us can relate to, there were times during our younger years when our morals took a back seat and let impulse take the wheel.
These are not moments we are proud of, but they contribute to the very fiber we, as people, are comprised of.
Yes, I have tried Pepsi. I am not proud of it and I only took one sip before passing the can. I can say right here and now that no moral transgressions, be them sexual or otherwise, came as a product of that usage (that was all due to my insane charm... a ha ha ha). It was a one time affair with the temptress of substances, and one that I have grown from.
Regarding my usage of coke, I just did a whole fucking mountain of blow before this conference
and I feel like a fucking eagle, man! A bald fucking eagle!
The crazy thing about eagles is howtheycanswoopdownon
thatmakesthebestdamnflapjacksaround. I'm buying!
5. Reread question #1 and answer it again but do it from the perspective of a gay man. Be exquisite.
Fernando, take that off! You look ab-sol-utely redickulous! You are too much! Okaaaay, so you want me to be a full on home for this one? Easy! Hee hee hee!
Ok, well, I spend round abouts four hours - yeah, I said hours girlriend - in the gym every diggity day because I've just gotta have that 50 Cent body. That guy has a body with so many ruffles and ridges I'd like to break a chip off of him and eat it all up! But if I can give my 2 cents to you, Mr. Fifty, I'd tell you to get your fat friend Dre in the gym
so you two can totally fag out for us. Can I spell 'hot' with 3 t's? Hottt!
So anyway, I like imagining little ants skiing down my abs and being all like, "Oh my god! This is like totally the best mogul field I've like ever been in!" And then they'd get to my ski jump and be like, "Oh my God! This is like the biggest ski jump I've ever been on! It's like never ending!"
I love having a house entirely made of mirrors so I can be like GayFlex in 3D: IMAX to the Max! Everywhere you look there's another muscle that makes you scream! Waaah!
6. Are you the driving type or the walking type?
Walking if it's an option. I saw a thing on Mariah Carey on MTV once that said she took her limo 2 blocks down the street to a restaurant, and that pretty
much explains my views on unnecessary driving. For one thing, there's a distinct merit in both walking alone or with friends -- gives you a much more leisurely time to either think or have a good conversation. For another, it seems that people are always inclined to immediately jump to the aided way of doing things when the manual way can be just as good, if not better. What's easier: spending 10 minutes walking to a place, or spending 2 minutes driving and then 8 minutes parking? I also appreciate the little things you tend to notice in an area when you walk that are always missed during a drive, like that little garden statue, or those two bullet holes in that mailbox.
7. What brand of bicycle do you own?
I don't think cycles should belong to anyone. How can you ask who owns the twice-per-day (bi) cycle of the sun's raising and lowering above and below the horizon? Who, may I ask, can claim to be the legal owner of the cycles of hunger, which come and go for me twice a day as well (who the actually eats breakfast?). And most importantly, how can you possibly ascribe any form of ownership to the various cycles bisexual people go through? I am one to believe their goings on, be it sexual or otherwise, are their business, and I am certainly not the owner.
There is one notable exception to this. I am the owner of a bisexual male named Charles. I bought him when I was in Prague in a swap meet for the equivalent of $46. He was selling himself, and said he would be my sole property, and I would have exclusive control over all his behaviors, so that includes his cycles. So to answer your question, I own a Charles bisexual cycle. He's rather worthless and I've never ridden him.
8. Will you ever wear a Codpiece out in public?
Would you leave the house with dirty underwear? Does a cop go on duty without his sidearm? Does a chef enter the kitchen without his knives? Why month last week I found myself in a den where, if not for my codpiece, I would have been in quite the awkward situation.
9. How come you didn't rush out to enlist in the armed service when Bush was trying to rally the nation as we ready ourself for War in Iraq?
I am a 23 year old male who was raised in an America whose God is money and whose goals are restricted to areas of self-betterment and personal fulfillment. I have been raised to value tomorrow for the dollar that can be made, the fun
I can have, and the love I might find. The country in which I live is not a living, breathing, fallible organism that needs to be sustained by the bacteria living atop it, but is rather a steadfast entity, unflappable regardless of the goings on outside of it. America's well-being has been as constant as the existence of air for my
entire life, so it comes to me in alien tongues when the following beliefs are said :
1. Giving my life for my country, thereby sacrificing the ideal of Tomorrow, is both reasonable and noble.
2. My country is able to be undermined and fettered
3. My dying for this now fallible country could should somehow register as a logical decision.
It is mostly with 3 I take issue. I fail to see why I should die for a country I don't love, given that my purpose in life has been taught to be my own enjoyment. Why would I die if I don't get to enjoy the country that I am helping to sustain?
That, my friend, is just an issue with fighting.
The reason I'm not fighting in the Iraq war, beyond all of that, is because we have been led into a battle by an administration that seems to have no conception of the situation where war is necessary. This war, the the aftermath of it, is utterly unnecessary. The reason it makes me so is because it attacks the solidity that I enjoyed in America for my 23 years. No longer is America unflappable, you see, because now the world is against us. No longer can I mindlessly fumble along through my life
seeking some form of hedonistic bliss because now I need to be concerned about our standing in the international community, and our being under constant threat of terrorist attacks. Basically, my blissful cloud has been taken away by an administration due to a war that was completely unnecessary.
Oh, let's not forget one more thing: our generation is a bunch of pussies. You think any of us could really stand being shot at? Please. The generation that fought in the past ground wars were men. We're just a bunch of children, regardless of our age, and there's not a chance in hell we could survive in combat without first pissing ourselves and trying to run home.
10. So, I beg this final question...is this interview just ripe for a 10 to 15 minute live jam?
No. The first problem with that question is that you mucked up (how's that for 50's slang?) the entire quotation. The question should have been:
"So, I beg this final question... is this interview just RIPE to be a 10-15 minute live jam?"
Secondly, it is very difficult to find things that are just RIPE. The total number of RIPE things that science has uncovered can be counted on one hand, and there is
little this track is just RIPE to be a 10-15 minute live jam